Poor Zexion
by SunflowerWielder
Summary: WHOEVER DRUGGED HIS COFFEE IS GOING TO DIE!" Evil plots are at large in The Castle That Never Was
1. Chapter 1

**People need to write more just plan funny Zexion stories.**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Kingdom Hearts. Commit it to memory.**

_What time is it? Hell, what day is it? I hate mornings. Guh…_

Zexion lowered his head back into the pillows. He was not a morning person. Then again, no-one in the Organization was. Especially Axel, who was often awake at one o'clock in the afternoon.

"My god…" Zexion sighed, and lifted his head up. "And I have to help Vexen out in the lab today. Bloody senile idiot." With a sigh, Zexion got up.

"WHOA CRAP!!" Zexion leapt back on the bed. "I hate cold floors."

XxX

Meanwhile, in the castle, there was a plot. We shall not say what the plot is. But it is an evil plot. And poor Zexion was to be on the receiving end of it.

A black gloved hand slipped something into a coffee cup, and stirred it.

Today was going to be a good day.

XxX

Zexion staggered downstairs. The only person who seemed to be awake was Demyx, who was strumming his sitar.

"Demyx, shut up!" Roxas yelled, banging his head on the table. Demyx pouted.

"It's not my fault Axel decided to introduce you to alcohol last night, is it?"

"If you want your organs to remain where they are, I suggest you shut up." Roxas scowled, glaring at the watery nobody.

"WHODAT??" Marluxia woke up, and then fell asleep again.

"That was a record!" Roxas grinned. "For the most retarded thing ever…" Roxas banged his head on the table. "Damm hangover."

"Well, has it occurred to you not to get drunk?" Zexion asked, walking over to the table.

"Not until… 2 o'clock this morning." Roxas banged his head on the table. Everyone else rolled their eyes. Zexion sat down with his coffee.

"The more you bang your head, the more it's going to hurt." Demyx frowned.

"The more you play that sitar, the more **YOU'RE** going to hurt." Roxas scowled, summoning his keyblades.

"That is duly noted."

"It better be."

"Yeah, because that's just… Something." Marluxia said, lamely. There was pause.

"Do you know what we're talking about?"

"… Politics?"

"No."

"Angst?"

"No."

"The growing amount of Yaoi on fansites? And how it's damm near impossible to find good stories without it?"

"No."

"Weird Anagrams in people's names?"

"No."

"The mysteries of life?"

"No."

"That Roxas is going to kill Demyx?"

"N- Wait a second. Yes." Zexion rolled his eyes at the same conversation they had every morning. And drink the coffee.

And choke on the coffee.

"WHOA!!"

"Are you okay Zexion?"

"He's choking on coffee you idiot, of course he's not okay!"

"Shut up." Zexion continued to choke on the coffee.

"DON'T WORRY ZEXY!!" Yelled Demyx, leaping onto the table.

_Oh dear God._

"I WAS IN THE BOY SCOUTS!!"

_Double dear God._

"AND I KNOW FIRST AID!!"

_Bugger._

Demyx leapt off the table, fell over a chair, banged his head on the counter, stood up dazed, staggered backwards, and fell, backwards out of the open kitchen window. Zexion was still choking on coffee.

"Well, this is going well!" Luxord sighed, and shoved his head out of the window. "ARE YOU OKAY DEMYX!!"

"I am going to kill Marluxia for putting this rose bush here." Demyx's voice floated in from the window.

"He's fine." Roxas sighed, and banged Zexion hard on the back.

"Ow… Thanks for that Roxas… I think." Zexion coughed again. That coffee had tasted odd…

"DANCE WATER DANCE!!"

"GAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!"

"DEMYX!! GO DROWN MARLUXIA OUTSIDE!!" Zexion started banging his head on the table.

XxX

Zexion stared at the ceiling.

_How long until the senile idiot arrives?_

Zexion clicked his tongue against the roof of his mouth. Vexen wasn't normally late for researching; in fact, there was a rumour he lived here. Zexion decided to check for any signs that Vexen did live down here.

A little bit of rummaging showed that Vexen, if he did live here, wasn't that pushed about hygiene.

"Oh god, that's disgusting." Zexion pulled out several smelly socks from one of the cupboards. "Vexen needs to be more hygienic." He sniffed the sock. "Okay, he has one of Larxene's socks in a cupboard, in his lab." Zexion dropped the sock. "I'm scared."

**_"ZEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEXXXXXXXXXXXXXXIIIIIIIIIIIOOOOOOOOONNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN!!"_**

Zexion spun around, only to be crushed by a nobody.

"Holy… Vexen? What the heck are you doing?"

"Um…" The older nobody thought for a moment. "What was I doing? What was I…? Oh yeah! I WAS GOING TO FLY!!" Vexen leapt off Zexion, and started running around the lab. Zexion gave a long look, and slowly blinked.

"O- O- Okay." He stared a bit more. "Did you have coffee today?"

"YEAH!!" Vexen spun around in a circle. "Tasted funny! Not funny like a clown! HEY!!" Vexen screamed in Zexion's ear. "CAN WE GO CIRCUS?!"

"Uh… No." Zexion glanced at the man.

_Whoever drugged his coffee is going to DIE._

"YOU WOULD LOOK NICER IF YOU SMILED MORE!!" Vexen jumped up and down like a hyperactive child.

"No." Zexion turned around, and quickly banged his head on the wall.

"BUT EVERYONE LOOKS NICER WHEN THEY SMILE MORE!!"

"I don't." Zexion watched the elderly scientist run around the lab.

"WHAT HAPPENS WHEN I MIX THAT WITH THAT??"

"No, don't…!"

The following explosions and cursing was very loud. Let me demonstrate how loud:

**_BOOOOOOOOOOOOM!!_**

**_"YOU STUPID DRUGGED UP #&#!!#!!"_**

Sora, Donald and Goofy exchanged glances with each other at the extremely loud noises that were echoing all over Radiant Garden.

"What was that about?"

_Meanwhile, back at The Castle That Never Was:_

The ten nobodies glanced up from their breakfast.

"Huh?" Luxord raised his eyebrows. "What just happened?"

"WHODAT!!"

"Shut up." Just as everyone finished the early morning tradition, Zexion slowly opened the door.

"Whoever drugged Vexen's coffee is _**going**_ to _**DIE!!**_"

* * *

**If I get enough reviews, I may add another chapter or two. Place your bets on who drugged Vexen's coffee!**


	2. Chapter 2

**Thank ye all kindly for the reviews! Two people actually got the identity of the drugger right!**

**Here's part two... They mysterious drugger shall be revieled... But their motives are unclear...**

Vexen ran out of the lab, singing to himself. He was in a _goooooooooooood _mood. He'd have to thank whoever it was who gave him coffee this morning.

"I'M GOING TO GET SOME MORE COFFEE!!"

Yuh-oh.

XxX

Back in the kitchen, Demyx was still attempting to drown Marluxia, while Roxas watched, and Zexion tried to find the substance Vexen had been drugged with.

"Can't you tell from the symptoms?" Roxas asked as he took yet another picture of Demyx attempting to castrate Marluxia.

"The symptoms are he's acting more like an idiot than ever," Zexion explained, pulling open another cupboard. "It could therefore be anything."

"Ah." Roxas paused. "Aw. I ran out of film!" Roxas threw the camera across the room, and it hit Marluxia in the face, who leapt back, ran into Demyx, who became dazed, staggered backwards into the fridge, and knocked it out of the window.

"Whoops." The three nobodies winced, as Zexion gave an angry sigh.

"You are going to die for that one." Zexion closed the cupboard door, revelling Vexen standing right behind it.

"_**YAAAAAAAAAAAH!!"**_

"HI ZEXION!!" Vexen then glomped- Yes, _glomped_, poor Zexion, and then proceeded to glomp Roxas, Demyx and Marluxia all at the same time, and fell over the kitchen table, breaking it in half.

"GAH!! WHY DID I HAVE TO RUN OUT OF FILM NOW?!" Roxas cursed in several languages, his knowledge of that particular area of life improved greatly since making friends with Axel. Whilst Roxas did that, Vexen ran around the room clucking like a chicken. Demyx, Marluxia, and Zexion raised their eyebrows.

"Jesus…" Marluxia muttered, unable to take his eyes off the elder scientist. "What's the word for when you're watching something horrific but you can't look away…?"

"Morbid Fascination." Zexion murmured, before turning to Demyx. "Do you still have that net you used on Axel?"

* * *

"_Ready Roxas?"_

"_Ready."_

"_Three… Two… One… ATTACK!!"_

"_AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!! YOU IDIOTS!! WHAT ARE YOU DOING!!"_

"_KIDNAP!!"_

"_I'M OLDER THAN YOU, IDIOT!!"_

* * *

"Yep." Demyx nodded. "Why?"

"We may need it…" Zexion's visible eye widened. "NO!! VEXEN DON'T-!!"

"COOOOOOOOOOFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!" Vexen squealed, pouring the aforementioned substance down his throat. The other four nobodies looked at Vexen.

"Ho-"

"-ly"

"Sh-"

"-it." The four nobodies said, as Vexen went…

Totally insane.

"HEY NOONY NONNY WITH A HEY HA YEAH NOONY I THINK LIKE WHATEVER!!" The four sane nobodies had a look of fear on their faces.

"Who says we run for it?" Roxas said after a moment's silence.

"Aye."

"Yup."

"What they said." And they legged it.

XxX

In another part of the Castle, the plotter rubbed his chin, as he – or she - watched the four sane-ish nobodies run away from the totally insane nobody.

"Brilliant."

XxX

Fate is a mysterious thing. It can result in people – or nobodies – being in positions they had never expected they would be in before.

This moment in time was a classic example of that.

"OW! Roxas, your foot is rammed right into my face!"

"Sorry, Ms Flowa Powa!"

"That's MR Flowa Powa to you!" Marluxia snarled, as Roxas adjusted the position of his foot.

"Idiots," Zexion shook his head, and smashed it into the wall. "OW!"

"Ssssssssssssssh!" Demyx whispered. "He might hear us!"

"Not unless his hearing ability has increased with his insanity."

"Is that possible?"

"… Maybe."

"Dammit all to heck." Roxas squirmed. "Oh, I hate it here."

"We all do."

"Ah… Ah… AH-!" Roxas began to sniffle, as Demyx quickly said a prayer.

"Please God no…"

"AH-CHOOOOOOOOO!!" Vexen kicked the door in.

"HI!! HOW ARE YOU?! I AM FINE!!"

"No, you're not, you're drugged."

"HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!" Vexen laughed his very very creepy laugh.

"Who votes for legging it?"

"Who doesn't?" Muttered Marluxia, as the four nobodies ran yet again.

As they ran however, they passed a room.

"Ha ha! Yes, now that my plot to drug Vexen's coffee has been successful, I can now move onto my master plan. It is impossible to escape. The time is near! The time-"

"Axel?"

"DAMMIT ROXAS!! NOT WHEN I'M MONOLOGING!!" Bellowed Axel. He then glanced at the present company.

"Well damm."

* * *

**Well done Xana14 and darkmint1!! You both get a cookie! Now, who can guess why...?darkmint1  
2008-05-20  
ch 1, abuseHAHA poor Zexion good job at the chapter it's funny. I think Axel probably drugged his coffee.Xana14**


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